Fanny Pack Couture

I reneged on a promise that I made to my children -- to never (ever) wear a fanny pack. Yesterday was my first day of radiation therapy and chemotherapy. When my wife Dorothy received her chemo pump, she had a small shoulder bag that she could wear under jackets, etc. I planned my treatment wardrobe assuming that I would wear the same type of bag. I was shocked when I received a sporty fanny pack instead.

We are being treated for different types of cancer -- hers is colon cancer that was removed about a month ago. Mine is rectal cancer that I still own. Her treatment lasts 2 days, every 2 weeks, for 6 months. It is meant to increase her ultimate life expectancy (she is young at 51). My treatment lasts 6 weeks and is meant to reduce the size of the tumor before Dr. S operates. I will wear the chemo pump during the entire 6 weeks. It is larger than I expected -- hence the fanny pack. (By the way, the person pictured at the right is not me.)

Now I need to rethink my whole fashion spectrum. Firstly, where does one wear a fanny pack? I know the answer should be evident from the name -- it goes on the fanny. But, I see that most people wear it in the front or on the side. Either of those two positions make a statement about the wearer.

Members of Tom Brokaw's Greatest Generation walk up and down the street in front of my home. I assume that is because the sidewalks are too old and cracked for them to use. The men wear fanny packs in the front, because function trumps form to them. A fanny pack is convenient -- it holds their spare glasses, their money, their traveling medications, and their cell phone -- all within easy reach. Go to the store for denture cream or foot powder, take it to the counter, look down, unzip, grab money, get change, put purchase in pack, zip up. It's as quick and as easy as taking a whiz. Functional.

The women, however, carry their smaller fanny packs on the side. Perhaps they are comfortable with side bags because of the purses they carried for so many years. But, if you get behind one of these women in the express check-out line, be prepared to hang around for a little while. Turn, look down, raise bag, rummage, rummage, rummage, hand out money, rummage through coupons, pull out the forgotten coupon, rummage for pennies (all the way at the bottom), zip bag, return it to its proper position, look proud for having exact change, walk toward exit door, go back for forgotten package, take package, walk to exit door, hold up traffic while putting away receipt. Not as functional, but accomplished with great form.

Position is not the only fashion consideration. Should one wear the fanny pack outside or inside the clothing? This one is a little easier. Face it, fanny packs look geeky. Our generation reveres both form and function without sacrificing one for the other. There is no way to hide a fanny pack worn outside the clothing. On the other hand, it is very difficult to disguise one worn under one's vestments.

Yesterday, I wore the fanny pack on my side, under my long-sleeved Red Cross shirt and Denali fleece. It felt like a huge six-gun resting on my hip. I needed to hike the shirt and the fleece over the top, like Doc Holliday. I felt cool -- then I looked in the mirror. Moreover, I was forced to exchange my captain's chair at the dinner table for a chair with no arms -- I was too wide.

Today, I tried wearing it over the fanny in the small of my back. That was much more comfortable. Until I sat down -- too much lumbar support. So, I traded my dining room chair without arms for a stool with no back. That seemed to work fine... until I got into the car. My midsection was so propelled toward the steering wheel that I felt like the world's first pregnant man. So, I slid the fanny pack onto my left side (again). The rest of the day demanded that I move the pack from side-to-back and back-to-side, according to need. I felt most comfortable with the fanny pack under my clothing near my fanny -- until I looked in the mirror. I looked like a male geisha.

I concluded that one cannot hide a fanny pack, nor can one make it look cool. Since I am defeated in my effort to make its presence clandestine, I will go the other route. Flaunt it.

I plan to buy the gaudiest, most tasteless fanny packs money can buy. Hot pink, sequins, rhinestones, faux crocodile. Send fanny packs -- I'll post pictures.