Season Two

When conditions become harsh, trees begin to shed their leaves as they prepare for winter. The tree does not mourn the death of its leaves, nor do we. Leaves change color, die and fall from the tree so that the tree may live.

The cancer that clings to me is dying. Radiation results are very good -- there is little noticable evidence of a tumor. By the end of autumn (on March 23), there may be no sign of it at all. Dr. S will operate anyway, but I may not lose as much surrounding tissue. Winter (being trapped) may only last two weeks. I may be reborn in April -- just in time for spring.

The tree does not mourn the death of its leaves, nor do we...

End Season One

I decided that my journey is like the turning of the seasons; summer, fall, winter, spring -- battling, dying, being trapped, and being reborn. Today ends Season One - Summer. These seasons do not fit into neat, 13-week boxes like Earth's seasons do. Nor do their order and place correlate with the current season (winter now in Baltimore). They do not represent the best that the seasons have to offer. But, they are my seasons and this is how they seem to me.

SUMMER
Summer lasted six weeks, a hot and relentless summer when simple things became effortful. Daily chemicals and radiation caused some parts to swell with anger, fighting for their ability to grow and take over. Other parts were deprived of the soothing balm of natural fluids. Throbbing anger and arid desert to be persevered on a regular basis. Sometimes, it required intense focus to take the next step: with waves of heat radiating through the soles of my feet.  At other times, the battle took a siesta and I was able to feel cooling shade and an easy mind. I could be productive then. Luckily for me, the siesta time outweighed the battle time (which I knew was always there waiting for me). The soldiers rested and healed, only to be torn apart again during the next battle. Now I understand why people say they are "battling" cancer. We have an amazing array of bombs and weapons to unleash on the enemy. They have a history of coming back anyway. So we do what we can without destroying the host. Shock and awe.

Tomorrow starts Fall, a time when we wait for the enemy to succomb to the harsh environment we created for them. Their sustenance dries up and their troops are not able to replicate. A time of dying -- for them.

Interestingly, the piece of music that I listened to and heard in my head the most during this season was "Close to the Edge" by Yes. The final verse echoed in my mind at least once a day.

Close to the edge, down by the river.

Down at the end, round by the corner.

Seasons will pass you by,

Now that it's all over and done,

Called to the seed, right to the sun.

Now that you find, now that you're whole.

Seasons will pass you by.

I get up, I get down.

I get up, I get down.

I get up, I get down.

I get up.

Thank you, friends and family for helping me to bear the summer.

A Little Rest is Good for the Body and Soul

Thank goodness for a long break from radiation. I keep in mind that the past two weeks were 4-days long with the holidays. Even so, they were just bearable with side effects that you don't want me to describe. I will say that I have a pain in the ass most of the time (Dorothy would say the same thing, but then she'd be talking about me). Dr. C, the radiation oncologist, gave me an extra 2 days without radiation -- making this weekend a 5-day break. The additional time allowed my body to heal some and my mind to heal more.

Since everyone deals with chemo and radiation indifferent ways, we must experiment to find what works. Here is what I am finding:

1. Lots of water -- I stepped up my water intake at the beginning of radiation, but I don't think that constituted drinking a LOT of water. Now, I drink much more and it seems to help my tissues stay hydrated.
2. A "regular" diet -- I talked about this before. Enough fiber to keep everything moist. Enough carbs and calories to keep me energized during the day.
3. Rest -- I can take a nap at any time. It amazes me how quickly I can fall into a deep sleep. I feel best when I am horizontal.
4. Sitz baths -- but not too hot. I think I was scalding myslef in the beginning, creating more distress than I was relieving.
5. Mineral oil -- to replace the natural lubrication that I seem to be missing. About 15 ml at night helps things work properly (thanks, Jeannie, for getting me to think about this).
6. Limited liftimg -- even weights over 5 pounds cause a strain and some untintended consequences. I'll get the kids to do the power lifting. 

Even with all the precautions listed above, life is no picnic. But it is bearable. I have another 2 weeks of chemo and radiation, then I get to heal for 5-6 weeks before Dr. S operates. I should start feeling better during that time.

Thanks for all your kind words and thoughts dear friends, family, and neighbors. Dorothy is doing okay this week -- it is an "off-chemo" week for her. Keep up the good wishes.