Cause We've Ended as Lovers

In late November 2007, guitar legend Jeff Beck and his band played for a week at Ronnie Scott's jazz club in London. Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, Robert Plant, and other music stars gathered to hear Beck's club set. Jeff was understandably nervous playing before such a notable crowd, for whom the night was full of surprises.

In the early seventies, Stevie Wonder wrote Superstition with Jeff Beck. Since Stevie first recorded the song, originally considered for Beck, he offered the guitarist Cause We've Ended as Lovers as an alternative. The song was included in the album Blow by Blow and is now widely associated with Jeff's solo guitar. That album was my introduction to Beck's playing and I followed his career through the next few albums. I stopped listening for a while after Here and Back, an innovative collection featuring the songs and talents of keyboardist Tony Hymas.

Tonight, I watched Jeff and band perform for the ninth or tenth time on the Live at Ronnie Scott's DVD. The performance was remarkable in many ways -- from Jeff's power on Led Boots, to his technical mastery on Scatterbrain, to his introverted shadow on Angel. I saw his show last year at The Fillmore in New York City and still cannot figure out how he makes such diverse sounds without many electronics -- and I was standing five feet away from him! The DVD represents the holy grail to jazz fusion enthusiasts. Nothing in my mind surpasses this version of Cause We've Ended as Lovers.

The 2007 tour featured seasoned-musician Vinnie Colauita on drums (from Frank Zappa's Joe's Garage days). Vinnie makes me work when I listen -- he doesn't always show you where is one (the first note of the measure). His polyrhythms force the musical listener to keep the beat and find one for yourself. I'm sure it was a lot of work for Jeff and other band members as well. Jason Rebello fit well into a long line of accomplished keyboardists who played with Jeff; Max Middleton, Stevie Wonder, Jan Hammer, and Tony Hymas. Rounding out the quartet was Tal Wilkenfeld, an incredible Australian beauty (in looks, in attitude, in technique) on the bass.

Cause We've Ended as Lovers started lovely and tastefully, like the album version which was dedicated to guitar great Roy Buchanan. Then, Jeff pointed to Tal for her to take a solo. Being a musician (and nowhere near these artists' universe), I appreciate watching the onstage communication between band members. Much of the time, players can not use their hands. They use facial expressions and eye contact to communicate their reaction to what is happening, where they are going in a song, and the desire to go completely off the map. Jeff had no idea that is exactly what Tal would do in a two-minute solo when he pointed at her. Come, watch the video with me.

The solo starts off nicely enough -- very melodic, using more of the fretboard than you can believe with Tal's small hands. Vinnie is adding tasteful fills using brushes that compliment her artistry. About a minute into the solo, Jason adds flavor to the C-minor progression with a B-flat minor 7 chord -- something unexpected, just once. Tal responds and the crowd applauds the riffs she is playing. Jeff raises his hands in praise. The energy from Jeff and the room spurs Tal to new sonic heights. She drops down from the upper part of the neck and plays a series of chromatic phrases that build like a Chick Corea solo. Jeff is even more amazed as the crowd screams their approval. At the end of two minutes, she works her way back down the fretboard to end on a decisive C note. She looks up at Jeff as if to say, "There. Pretty good, eh?"

Jeff is amazed... he hardly knows how to follow this solo. The bar is raised and he must reply. The guitarist hunkers down and gets serious, delivering an artistic message that has music-heads pointing and trying to figure out just how he does it. Guitar, drums, bass, keyboards. The crowd, the palpable energy. The yin and the yang. It brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.

Going Forward -- Turning Back

I started a blog posting (actually, I completed it) while I was in Tampa last Thursday while drinking scotch and watching "A Perfect Storm." For some reason, my Blackberry app failed to write the blog to this site. As usual, it was good that it happened.

The business trip went okay, but the evening did not go well. I cooked my own food (well, I microwaved it) and thought that I'd do fine. There must have been something in the processed beef, chicken, and/or gravy that affected my system. It surely could not have been the scotch.

Now, I have another chance to write what I wanted to say. It has been stewing in my brain for over a week and it is clearer to me now. It is about energy.

For as long as I can remember, I have remained calm and focused during a crisis. I tell my friends to watch out when it is over, though -- that's when I fall apart. This predicament in which Dorothy and I live is now a year old. For me, it has been months and months of intense focus -- firstly on surviving the chemo and radiation, then on living with an ileostomy, and finally on learning to use my insides again. Energy was directed toward activites to take my mind off the pain and humiliation -- recording and producing a CD, getting work done, etc. This last phase is taking longer than I predicted. Things are getting better, and I note the progress that is made week-to-week. But, I'm not finished healing. I wish I were.

My emotions live close to the surface now. In addition to the obvious reason -- surviving cancer treaments -- they signal the "after time" when I typically fall apart. This time, I feel more like it signals a turn back to an earlier time.

You see, my emotions used to run near the surface. I never saw that as a flaw, but much of the world did. I learned self control, which can be a good thing. Self control involved wearing a mask to filter out pain and my real responses to it. I put on mask upon mask, becoming innoculated against a dog-eat-dog world. Like chemotherapy, the mask blocks good as well as bad. I am steady as a rock, and, as Paul Simon wrote, "a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." A land mass never says, "I love you."

In addition to experiencing more feelings, I move slower. People used to complain that I walked too fast. I was conscious of the fact, and I did it because I could. My body felt good -- I was 55
going on 27. Now, I feel like I'm 56 going on 57. That, too, is not a bad thing. I knew that things would change, so I tested my body by whitewater rafting, mountain climbing, biking, and hiking. When Dorothy and I walked through the woods, I would be on a hike and she would be on a nature walk. I wanted to feel my breathing and my heart pounding in my chest. She would stop to notice flowers, insects, and wildlife. I missed it all, but I felt good. Now, I want to walk beside Dorothy so she can point out what she sees -- what one can see when one looks closely at the world.

I have been out of balance for too long -- ignoring the yin for the yang. I want to relearn how to be part of the world around me. To reawaken the artist in me. You will soon be able to hear Blue Moon Revue's new CD, "It's About Time." You'll hear a lot of feeling that I never knew I was laying down on the tracks. My body is nearly finished healing, but my spirit has a long way to go.

Giving Care

No other act of love can compare

To putting one’s life on hold for another

Be thankful to those who love and give care

Those who anticipate pain and who repair

The things distracted nurses didn’t bother

No other act of love can compare

Who carefully weigh the feelings they will share
And the personal pain they will smother
Be thankful to those who love and give care

To be a friend, a father, a brother
No other act of love can compare

To soothe with warm, soft strokes through hair
Like a sister, like a mother
Be thankful to those who love and give care

The person who could be anywhere
But here, and chose to share
No other act of love can compare
Be thankful to those who love and give care

The Final Season

It has been 2 months since my last post. I'm sure that breaks some sort of blogging rule (post often if you want people to visit your site, or something like that). Don't worry, dear reader. My absence was due to the fact that I was enjoying life and not sitting in front of a computer. I'll catch you up...

An ileostomy is not something I would wish on someone else, but one can get used to it. There were some advantages -- mainly that I had advanced notice when it was time to take care of myself (empty the pouch, etc.) The disadvantage came when the darn thing leaked at inopportune times. I was always prepared, so there were no embarassing episodes to report. I struggled most with how to dress. The pouch was attached to the right of my navel, about an inch down. I could wear my pants on the hips with an untucked shirt, or above the waist (a "chestie" as we used to call it). I preferred the former, but such a casual look was not appropriate in all business settings.

I made the mistake about a month ago of searching the internet for information regarding the upcoming phase -- ileostomy reversal. What I found was a mixture of fact and fiction that surprised and depressed me. My vision consisted of about 2 days in the hospital and one to one-and-a-half weeks home from work followed by full functionality. Why did I think that this phase would be any easier than the others?

In truth, I spent 3 days in the hospital passing much too easily the all-liquid diet I consumed, followed by 2 weeks at home trying to regulate my system. Folks, don't take your sphincter muscle for granted. It performs a valuable service, allowing you to "hold it" much of the time and to "go" at regular intervals. Imagine that it did not serve you in this capacity and you'll know what I am experiencing at this phase. I asked Dr. B the surgeon how long it will take until my bowels function normally again. "Weeks? Months?" I asked. "Weeks. Months." was his reply.

You know by now that I don't take these things lying down (actually, I do take them lying down but I am not defeated). So, what will I do about the situation? On the one hand, I will watch my diet. Dr. B prescribed probiotics to replace the natural flora in my digestive system. The right combination of soluble and insoluble fiber will help me digest my food and maintain the right consistency of poo (a medical term for poop).

On the other hand, I will start exercising my PC muscles. Yes, Dorothy, there are Kegel exercises for men. They are the same exercises used by women after they give birth to strengthen the abdominal floor muscles. According to my research, men use Kegels to solve a variety of problems. Urinary incontinence is a primary reason, followed by fecal incontinence. AskMen.com states that Kegels will also help me "control [my] orgasms and ejaculations and last for longer." That's the bonus -- the icing on the cake. In a few weeks, when I have strengthened my PC muscles, I will not only be a "regular" guy, but I will also "be able to hold up a wet towel with [my] erection."

Now that's something I couldn't do before.

I am Thankful Today

I am thankful today for:

• Friends, coworkers, and family members who keep me from going off the deep end.
• Manufacturers of pouches (Hollister, Nu-Hope, etc.) who continually redesign their products to make them discreet, comfortable, and easy to clean and replace.
• Medical professionals who combine expertise with empathy, going against the charted course when it makes sense to do so when the patient is breaking down.
• Food Faeries who offered their tasty cooking so that we could feed the family while we were down and out.
• The desire to live a long life and the willingness to do whatever it takes to live one.

I am especially thankful for Dorothy, who lifts me up even though she bears a heavy burden herself. It is good to hear her laugh as much as she does these days. We've both been through a lot and still have a few hurdles to jump. But, all-in-all, our home is a happy place. I'd hate to admit it, but having a new kitten helps.

The Marriage of True Minds

In 1983, I was at a loss to write a song for our wedding. I pored through love poems and readings. One night during dinner I jumped from the table and wrote a song based upon a Shakespeare sonnet (#116). His words are copied below... they are truer for us now than they were when Sharon Martin sung them at our wedding. Gerry and I are recording a Blue Moon Revue CD -- I am hoping that Suzi Eldridge will sing a beautiful rendition of this wedding song.
(BTW -- a bark is a ship.)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.


Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.


William Shakespeare

Love Note

Humans are the most unformed creatures
When they are expelled, kicking and screaming,
Into the world.

Still shapeless, they unite with each other
To bring another generation, clawing at the air,
Into their lives.

I was formless when you took me in
And pledged your troth, glistening and hot,
Forever and ever.

Forever and ever and ever.
Through sickness and health, not to destroy,
But to build up.

How could I know the turmoil
Life had in store, crouching in the dark,
Waiting to pounce?

How could I know that you,
Of all the women in the world, would be
The one to stand by my side?

We face the world together.
Nothing in all its animal rage can
Defeat us now.

In the end you and I
Walk slowly and carefully, arm in arm,
Into a forest

Teeming with life and sound.
Aware of the power, subtle and strong,
To complete each other.